Chapter One: Why is it so hard to make friends?

My childhood was good, interesting, but good. I spent all of my educational career in catholic schools, however, in doing this it really limited my choices in friends, there was absolutely no diversity. I had only American friends and by American I mean "white" friends. I never really had the opportunity to explore any other relationships with any other race including my own. Well, of course, there were my cousins an all but I don't usually introduce them as my friends there for it was always difficult to really except the relationship as a friendship, even though I did have close relationships with some of them. I think this has a lot to do with why I'm not as traditional as my parents would like me to be. Throughout the years I have been able to obtain and maintain friendships and relationships with people of other races, but often find myself noticing that my relationships with other races are very different from on another. For instance, my friendships with whites are very different between my friendships with my fellow Hmongs. I've always been very comfortable with white people and usually feel a sense of genuinity when I'm with them. I grew up with white friends and will always have this tangible feeling of love and respect for them. My first real experiences with making friends with my fellow Hmongs came when I was in the 6th grade. I had just entered middle school and was blown away at the huge number of Hmong kids that attended the same school. It was a measly 15-20 students. It may or may not sound like a lot, especially because where I grew up and where I lived the population of Hmong families was a lot, so it seemed like a lot to me then. Now when I look back it was very many because out of all of these kids only about 7 of them were in my grade. I was excited though, finally, I had kids that I could possibly relate to and who would except me and understand me, everything about me.

Nothing is as it seems though and my hope to feel like I was a part of a group, and I mean really feeling like I was, shattered into a billion little pieces right before me. The one Hmong girl that was in the same homeroom as I was befriended me and who know that making one friend, by forming this one friendship, I would be making enemies for the rest of my life with my own kind?

There had been a quarrel, this meaningless and pathetic outburst of hatred amongst the Hmong group of kids and I was caught in between. Guilty by association I was sentenced to suffer along with this new girl I barely even knew. I had committed no crime, I had done nothing wrong, it was simply a case of me being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I accepted it though because I had a craving for this relationship and if that meant to be disowned my others so be it. I stuck with this new girl and she stuck with me. We formed a great relationship and I really got to know her, she was a wonderful girl. She was simple and sweet, kind and forgiving, she was understanding. This was what I had wanted. We eventually made allies and by forming these allies launched a new beginning. A war came and weapons of words and pranks began to take place, harrassments and embarrassing tactics were thrown back and forth, before we knew it everything had gone too far. Peoples feeling were hurt and tears were shed and that's when I decided to play peacemaker. I had had enough of this war, a war that I had no business fighting in because in the end I did not believe in what I was fighting for, in fact in went against everything that I was hoping to accomplish. I was taken over by my selfishness and greed for understanding I neglected all of what I wanted.

It was in that one moment that I realize maybe all my friendships with these kids were only formed because there was a comprehension of camaraderie between us due to the fact that we were of the same skin color. I wanted to throw up right then and there. In my years of forming all sorts of relationships and knitting friendships I began to ask myself, "What kind of friend am I looking for? And in which race would I find it in"? It may sound strange but a friendship that is formed with others of a different race and a friendship that is formed with someone of the same race are and feel completely different. When I am with my non-Hmong friends I find myself happier and truly excepted, not for my skin color or my background, but for me. There is a this touch of genuineness and truth. When I'm with my Hmong friends I feel most at home for there is an understanding of our own culture which seems to be painted on this background of another. There is a knowledge of the same language and traditions, an ability to perceive the difficulty of living this one life in these two amazing but different worlds. These are the things that hinder my friendships with my beloved "white" friends. It is that no matter how hard they try to understand or even if they think that they understand I know that deep down they honestly can never really understand unless they were here, standing in my shoes.